Difficult Life Decisions: How to make them in the face of fear
Indecision, endlessly sitting on the see-saw of choice A vs. choice B, can be a cause of torment in our lives. When the stakes are high or the conditions are just right, we catch ourselves overthinking, over-wondering, vacillating, and stalling on a decision. Sometimes it’s for a big decision and other times for seemingly inconsequential ones. Nevertheless, when we’re sitting motionless on “I don’t know” and “I’m not sure” for too long, especially when it’s an important life decision, it can often feel like life is coasting by…and that’s because…it is.
Is there a decision that you’ve been sitting on for far too long? Which decision am I talking about? It’s the one we put off for years, the one that pops up in our minds in the middle of the night, or peeks its head randomly during a mundane chore. The decision might sound like choosing between starting that dream career filled with exciting uncertainty or remaining in an unfulfilling but secure job, moving to an unfamiliar new place or staying safe in our hometown, freeing ourselves from a lifeless relationship or remaining in it because it’s comfortable. It’s the decision filled with secret desires that we too often delay, too afraid to consciously make a choice.
Fear and Protection
Why are we so afraid? Because we know these are the kinds of life decisions that will lead to an avalanche of change…unknown territory, uncharted paths, and unrecognizable steps. As we stand in the middle of the fork in the road, the feeling of fear is ever-present, holding our feet in place. The fear, as unwanted and uncomfortable as it might be, is a form of protection, a neurological alarm triggered by the possibility of change. As explored in the NIH article, The ecology of human fear: survival optimization and the nervous system, we have an internal Survival Optimization System that is intricately designed to protect us from surprises, dangers, or threats. This is a really good thing. How amazing is it that we have a whole system operating on a mission to take care of us?! Its intentions are good and needed - protection at all costs. The system, however, does come with some potential long-term side-effects.
Our Survival Optimization System, in its efforts to protect, can generate enough fear to stall us from the very decisions that can actually transform our lives for the better. With this in mind, how can we begin to make brave decisions, get off the see-saw of indecision, even while our internal alarm system is blaring in the background? Here is a practice I’ve used to navigate the fear and move towards my boldest life decisions.
Making the Decision:
Big brave decisions are not always intellectual. First, we can realize that since fear is generated in the brain, the clarity to make a decision will likely not come from there. What you’ll find instead are the what ifs, the analysis of potential threats, and all the reasons why this forward-moving decision might just be too risky to make.
Quiet your fearful mind, at least long enough to hear the answer to the question,“If this fear wasn’t here, what would I really want?”. This might look like sitting in silence for a few moments to see what comes up.
Hold your hand over your heart. While the brain is designed for survival, the human heart is the home to all of your desires. Where is your heart pulling you towards…choice A or choice B? Suspend any judgment towards your desires. They’re there for a reason.
Let the answer come. Don’t force it. Try not to overthink and overanalyze...when this is overactive, you’ll know you’re operating from your Survival Optimization System. Once you start sincerely asking yourself, “What do I really want?”, the answer will start making its way to you.
Commit to your decision. When you know what you want, commit to moving forward in that direction. Know that the fear will come up, it will show up like clockwork once you make your bold choice. That’s its job, to protect you. Your job is to commit to your new decision, even with your fear in tow, and begin taking action that aligns with your decision.
Who is in Charge?
On the other side of this fear is your brave decision to do, be, and have what you really want. We can work with our Survival Optimization System, listen to what it has to say, and then make the final executive decision. We’re the boss here. We are the drivers of our lives and our decisions, fear is our friendly backseat passenger guided by an ancient operating system that is committed to its mission of survival. As the driver, we have a different guide, a different source of intelligence that knows our deepest longings. The heart knows. You know. So which way is it going to be…choice A or choice B?
Need more support?
Getting clarity around a decision is exactly what coaching can help with. An outside nonjudgmental perspective, the time and space to break through those fears, and the support to create a vision that’s so strong that fear cannot stop you - this is exactly the work of the coaching process. If you’re interested, reach out to me and I would be happy to support you in making your next big decision confidently.